Dozens of children go missing in Eastern Panhandle following crippling snow; parents surprisingly subdued, satiated

Dozens of children have been reported missing in the Eastern Panhandle of West Virginia following a crippling snowstorm that dumped nearly three feet of snow in the area, requiring residents to shelter in place.

Charles Town Police became suspicious when they noticed a sharp decline in the number of 911 calls from parents who had had enough and were begging to be dug out of their homes for fear of harming their children, many of whom had not been outside for days. One parent had been telephoning almost hourly up until the day before yesterday when all calls ceased.

"The screaming and the bickering was quite overwhelming," said Suzi Crowder, mother of Sophie, 8, Max, 5, and Carly, 3 (pictured above). "Most days I can handle it with a combination of medication and aggressive wine therapy, but after being shut in with them for nearly five days straight, I just kind of snapped."

Crowder, who offered no explanation as to her children's whereabouts, appeared surprisingly calm as she led police through her home in the Locust Hill subdivision. There was no evidence of a forced entry; however, the home was in complete disarray. Toys were strewn about, laundry was piled up to the ceiling and dirty dishes covered nearly every inch of counter space. A police officer was seen bagging up a dog-eared version of Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal," which appeared to be covered in a red substance, reportedly Frank's Hot Sauce.

No suspects have been taken in for questioning as it appears no crime has been committed. Police remain baffled. Persons with information on the children's whereabouts are urged to keep it to themselves.