Thursday, February 19, 2009

Day 6: The downward spiral continues

I'm a little behind with my writing due to a pinched nerve in my neck, but I have managed to keep up with my challenges--at least I have read them. It is ironic that my neck got hurt right when I was to address the issue of irritability and how it affects relationships.

I just erased a couple of paragraphs where I discussed how I've been under a lot of stress lately and tried to justify my bad behavior because I have not been sleeping well and I'm not feeling good. The truth is, I'm ashamed right now. I had been resting with a heating pad this afternoon while Max and Carly were playing with one of Max's friends. Steve left a while ago to go pick Sophie up from a friend's house. He told me Max was to clean up his room or go to bed.

Well, I made the mistake of going up and checking on him and I was sick at what I saw--his room looked like a trash heap. They had dumped out the hamper and all of the baskets I used to organize his toys, books were everywhere, a map of the United States was ripped in half, everything had been pulled out of the closet. I lost it and just started screaming at my little boy. It kills me when my kids don't take care of their things--perhaps my biggest pet peeve--but does that justify my bad behavior?

I consulted the book to see if I could parse some explanation for my actions and there it was: deficiencies. I have not been getting enough rest, good nutrition nor exercise and it's beginning to take its toll. I need to take time out for myself-- apply margin to my schedule--in order to relieve the stress and break the cycle of irritability. I am happiest when I am exercising regularly, sleeping well and eating right. I have not been taking care of myself, which translates into not taking care of my family.

I really thought I started out this challenge strong--I had a few really good days, and thought I would just cruise through. But I guess old habits die hard. I have a lot of work to do. I want to get to the point where I react to adversity with love, not anger. I'm not there yet.

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