Wednesday, October 1, 2008

My new friend, Peri

Meet my new friend, Peri--Peri Menopause.

I recently turned 41 and thought I was a bit young for my new acquaintance, but, alas, she has struck up a relationship with me at the same time she greeted my mother and sister. I thought I could stave off her appearance since I had my children relatively late in life, but that did not derail her.

I'm not sure what to make of my new friend. She seems a bit obnoxious--finds it amusing to keep me up at night, thwarting my quest for a good night's sleep (tho she cannot shoulder all of the blame for this, as my children delight in waking me up throughout the night). She likes to crank the heat up, leaving me sweaty and flushed at inconvenient times. She also manages to get me all fired up and filled with murderous rage over the littlest thing, such as a dirty sock thrown on the floor. Need I mention the facial hair that recently appeared around my mouth--in particular the little billy goat hair on my chin that pops up during social occasions and the two little hairs that keep resurfacing on the bulb of my nose? (I must remember to always carry a pair of tweezers).

Peri has emboldened my already tumultuous relationship with my old friend, Flo. Flo's monthly visits now come more frequently (I have yet to pin down her schedule) and her stays are getting longer. Flo, once mild and manageable, now makes the Vietnam War look tame. She has yet to meet a personal product she couldn't take in a fight--not even the new Ultra.

Peri and Flo, I must ask of you--what is UP? Are we not sisters gliding through this grand dance of life? Did I not serve you well, bearing three children and nursing them until their cheeks and legs were so fat that the youngest earned her nickname "Biscuit" because of the oh-so-delicious doughiness of her thighs? Have my annual doctor visits and monthly self-exams gone unnoticed? Did I not keep up my end of the bargain?

If I ply you with chocolates, chamomile tea, the finest of wines, myriad fans, black cohosh or other herbal concoctions will you retreat?

And, Peri, I don't want to seem an ungracious hostess, but how long were you planning on staying?

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